Aging Parents of Adult Children

Yes, I know; the topic is usually the other way around: how aging Baby Boomers are dealing with their aging parents.

But think about it from your parents’ perspective. Just for a minute. Look at your own child to whom you gave birth a mere 10 to to 20 or even 30 years go, and imagine having THEM in charge of YOUR life.

No matter the mental age of a person in winter life stage, their children are still their children.

However, the mental age of a person in winter life DOES have to do with how much they can understand and/or retain of what they need to know to remain independent. They begin leaning on you, calling you, guilt-tripping you into taking them to their physician appointments; regardless of your being in trouble with the boss already in this job-risky economy.

And you DO want to do those things for your parents. Even if they have been less than perfect parents (show me a perfect parent, I’ll show you a Ph.D. study topic). Society expects, and we expect of ourselves, that we will care for our aging parents whether we are good at it or not.

Let’s face it. Some of us are not good at taking care of our own parents. And the long term options, bureaucracy, and lack of continuity make it a more than part-time hobby. Surgeons do not operate on their relatives; counselors cannot counsel their own relatives, so what makes people think they’re obligated to become sudden experts in the face of audacious and meandering system of unrelenting menu choices on a doctor's office's or insurance company's telephone service.

So, we need to flesh out several topics from the above:

*No matter the mental age of a person in winter life stage, their children are still their children.

*The mental age of a person in winter life DOES have to do with how much they can understand and/or retain of what they need to know to remain independent.

*Some of us are not good at taking care of our own parents. And the long term options, bureaucracy, and lack of continuity make it a more than part-time hobby.

*Just who IS going to take care of US? And who do we want helping us take better care of our oldest generation?

Passionate about Helping Families with Seniors

I just read something amazing about how to help more people in my business. According to Dr. Symeon Rodger (Dr. Symeon Rodger [MemberServices@MindsetBootcamp.com]), who sends wonderful tidbits, and teaches marvelous full courses in the Law of Attraction (you know, "The Secret"(r)), instead of focusing on what I WANT, I need to be focusing on what makes me passionate. What I am passionate about is helping people in a unique way. When family members call me, and they tell me, "Why didn't I know about you 6 months ago!" When I am able to help them with problem-solving, with finding the right housing location, with advocating for a long term care facility not to discharge their parent without a viable discharge plan. I get very passionate about that. I love it.

I'm going to start focusing on this passion, and appreciate the fact that I do help people in a way that no one else really can except for other trained Professional Care Managers who see the big picture, and work specifically for the good of the client and not for a facility or insurance conglomerate.

I'm smart. I'm intelligent. And, by golly, people like me!

Seniors: Safety versus Denial

I sat with a brother and sister last week who needed to vent about their widowed, childless aunt. Aunt Edna, we'll call her, was supposed to attend the meeting as well, but she conveniently decided to go shopping with her grand-nephew when he came over earlier to see how she was getting along. "It's nice that your son helps out when he can," I observed. "But that's just it!" lamented the niece, "We offered to take her shopping yesterday, and she refused. She knew we were having this meeting and didn't want to be here, so when he came over she rooked him into taking her. She takes advantage of us and we have to find a better solution than this piecemeal kind of scheduling!"

I was visiting as a home health social worker in this instance, I contract with several agencies in town, making up to two visits to help people find resources and educate them about long term care issues to keep them out of the hospital as long as possible. This scenario is typical. Grown "Sandwiched Boomers" have become caregivers for their parents and other aging relatives. They still work fulltime, have grown kids and grandchildren of their own in many instances. And sometimes the senior just isn't interested in changing anything about the situation. They helped create it. As I told this brother and sister, "She's trained you very well." They rolled their eyes exasperatedly.

One of the primary referrals I wanted to make for this 90+year-old woman still living in her own home, alone, was for an Emergency Response System (ERS). I had offered it on my first visit, and she had refused. This time, when she returned from shopping, she agreed to the referral and I had her niece and nephew as witnesses. An ERS (remember: "help, I've fallen and I can't get up") is one way to increase a senior's safety and successful retention of their independence. Even if they do fall, if they receive help within an hour the chances of returning home are around 80%. If they lie on the floor for hours, there is an 80% chance they will spend the rest of their lives in a nursing facility.

So, I made the referral, to the relief of the caregiver family members. Two days later I received a call from the ERS company: she politely refused to have them install the system. Two days after that I received a call from the nephew: "Aunt Edna is in the hospital. She fell and no one found her for about 4 or 5 hours. We need some help with planning for the next stage."

I hope I can get her home with assistance. She'll probably need extensive rehab. She was dehydrated, of course. Had she had the system, she would have been rescued before dehydration had set in.

Some people just don't listen. It's frustrating. I keep trying anyway.

Time - where does it go?

When I first started blogging I intended to write daily, or at least weekly. Looking at the dates of my posts, it is evident that my life is busier than I expected. Where does the time go? How do we find the time, make the time, for our families and the things that are important in our lives?

My senior clients tell me that their grown children do not have time for them. The sandwich generation struggles with balancing time between their aging parents, their growing children, and their own careers and relationships. Time is one thing we can't reproduce. Once it's gone, it's gone forever.

Too many regrets fall from the lips of people at the end of their lives: "I should have seen my parents more often." "I should have spent more time with my children growing up."

Someone told me recently: "Things are not important. People are."

If we keep that thought in the forefront of our minds, perhaps there will be fewer regrets at the end of life.

Holidays and Seniors

Lots of people will be traveling home for the holidays soon. Many of us "flew the coop" after high school or college, and left our parents to age back in our home towns. I get many calls this time of year when folks come home to less than ideal circumstances.

Mom and Dad have aged, and they've done a very good job of hiding it from us in those weekly/monthly telephone calls. When you get home this season, do some checking around if you have some suspicions that things aren't right. Ask them about their finances, if they are getting their bills paid on time. Look in their medicine cabinets to see if they're hoarding prescriptions, failing to throw out expired items, and for the more recent prescriptions count how many are left in the bottle and, based on the date the script was written, ask yourself if they are taking the medication as prescribed.

Offer to go to a physician appointment with them while you're in town. Make sure you, or another family member, has HealthCare Power of Attorney. Establish a relationship with their primary care physician (PCP) so you can call the doctor's office from time to time with concerns. Give your contact information to the PCP's office.

Establish a system for what your parents should do if an emergent situation arises. If there are many children in the family - whom should they call first? Establish a phone tree, and don't leave anyone out!

Holidays can be wonderful times to show your parents how much your care by becoming a little more involved in their lives. And, if they're resistant? Well... that's another blog.

Read more about Holidays and Caregiving at: http://www.professionalcareforyou.com/holidayhomecoming.htm

Stay tuned, and stay well.

Helping people is my thing

I hope you haven't missed me too much, but I've been very busy helping families with aging parents make the best of what they have.

Most recently, my average client age is 90. Most of them are in their own homes and want to stay here. I'm helping them accomplish that goal by pulling resources together that meet their needs and their budget.

I love answering questions and educating people about choices and community resources.

I've also been having a little fun for myself, and practicing what I preach to caregivers: Take care of YOURSELF.

Happy Autumn, everyone. I promise to write more soon and tell you some specifics about keeping our seniors safe and independent.

The Greatest Generation

It's not a cliche, it's the truth. The World War II generation deserves its nickname. They survived the Great Depression. They volunteered to fight a war they believed in, and those who did not lose their lives, still they lost their innocence.

How will we care for them now? What do they deserve? Institutional extended care facilities with overworked, underpaid staff? Move them out of their homes because it's too expensive to care for them there? Put them in rooms with linoleum floors and roommates who scream and food brought in refrigerated trucks?

Why not something better? What will it be? What will we want when we are finished earning a living and need to rely on what we have saved and what others will donate through taxes or willingly?

We will want to be asked. We will want to be a part of the decision of where and how we live out the last years of our lives. What do you want? Tell someone.

I want to be in my home with my kitties and my family. If I can afford it, I will want to stay at home and watch television all night now and then. I want to eat when I feel like it. I want to be able to take up new hobbies that I'll finally have time for: piano lessons, reading the Great Classics, learning a foreign language or two, writing the Great American Novel finally. I want my computer internet working, a stereo, and whatever newest electronic toys are coming out. I want unlimited visits from children and grandchildren, grown or otherwise. I want a garden to sit in.

Respect, comfort, kindness. These are the things I wish for all aging people.